how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
