Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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