Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
