Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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