I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
