i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
