New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
