I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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