Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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