all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just forgot I was standing up.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
