Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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