i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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