That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
