im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
