He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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