I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
