I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
jump out the window naked night went bad
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