you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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