I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
