My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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