Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
