WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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