Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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