I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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