if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
