how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My cat gives me a boner
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
