He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
