What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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