My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
