White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
