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UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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