i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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