i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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