Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
