What a fucking waste of an outfit
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
A+ Viking dick
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