So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
