The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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