DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
