It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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