I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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