forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We got so high we made milksteak
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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