Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
