I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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