He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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