I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Success! We fucked roommates!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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