1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
