so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
