my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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