I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
