omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
