The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
