I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
